My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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