my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
