I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
