Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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