He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What drink are we having for lunch?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize