Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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