i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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