I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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