guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
