I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
