i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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