yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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