I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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