What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
