Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
