Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
