Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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