I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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