I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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