and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
