My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
