watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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