I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
