just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
