I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
