also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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