Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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