Jerry, you need to find god
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
