party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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