alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
