just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
