Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
