My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
