Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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