fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
