Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
