Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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