The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
