I puked a lego.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
