Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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