I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
