Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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