My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
