make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
