You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
