my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
