Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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