I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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