I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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