i may or may not be watching the land before time
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
